


Late Night Neurosis

by andrewlevy



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack, Misuse of Dr Seuss, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-07
Updated: 2003-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-15 18:16:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2238669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andrewlevy/pseuds/andrewlevy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daniel has a rough night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Late Night Neurosis

**Author's Note:**

> Oh gosh..this is really really wierd. This is what happens when I work on a really dark depressing fic for too long. I get this insane urge to write something completely silly and crazy with no redeming value what-so-ever. Hope it gives you a chuckle.

As Daniel walked down the deserted corridors of the SGC he noticed a strange melody wafting through the air. Music? He wondered. When did the general allow music to be played over the loud speakers?

Rounding the corner, he eyed Jack, standing on a ladder with a bucket of "bubblegum pink" paint in his one hand and a dripping brush in the other.

"Jack? What are you doing?" Daniel asks, suddenly out of breath.

Jack jumps down off the ladder, only momentarily wincing due to his bad knees and exclaims, "Daniel! My love!" while taking Daniel into a huge bear hug.

"WHAT???" Daniel forces himself to calm and speak with a lower voice through clenched teeth. "Jack, what the hell are you doing? We're on base. Remember our rules?"

Jack looks at Daniel as if he's about to burst into tears. As a matter of fact there WERE tears brimming at the bottom lashes of his eyes and his bottom lip was doing a somewhat sexy quiver in anticipation. "Jack. What the hell is going on?"

Just then Teal'c walked by carrying a new Discman and bobbing his head stiffly to the beat of a song.

"Teal'c!" Daniel screamed to be heard over the Discman. Just for good measure he waved his arms around a bit too.

Teal'c hit the pause button and removed the headphones. "Was' up DanielJackson?" He said with the customary bow of the head.

"Teal'c, I think there is something wrong with Jack. Can you help me get him to the infirmary?"

"Indeed." Teal'c replied. They both, Tauri and Jaffa, took one of the colonels arms and gently led him to the infirmary. On their way idle conversation occurred.

"Teal'c, where did you get the Discman and CD's?"

"I was in a deep state of Kel'no'reem when my symbiote shared with me the winning Colorado lottery numbers. I immediately instructed SamanthaCarter to buy me one of these lottery tickets so that I may 'get some blingbling and jam with my homies'."

Daniel stared at Teal'c in disbelief and let go of Jacks arm, nearly letting the colonel fall to the floor before remembering to regain his grip.

As the three men continued their trip down the halls of the SGC, Daniel noticed many out of the ordinary things. They passed a room holding what looked like a chili eating contest. General Hammond was in attendance as well as a rather red faced Major Paul Davis. Daniel didn't think Paul was going to win this one. He was only on his second bowl and looked ready to burst into flames already. Hammond looked nonplussed.

The next two rooms were spewing forth pump and grind type music. Smoke poured out into the hallway as well as the smell of sweat and stale beer. They were both completely decked out with disco balls and a compliment of busty strippers. And now that he looked closer, not all of those "busty strippers" were that way naturally...some of them were men and naturally "busty" in several other places as well.

Another room...bizarrely enough, was filled with 20 or so Marines all dressed as Dr. Seuss characters and rhyming all of their conversations to one another.

Daniel stopped abruptly again to stare. He listened as one of the most disturbing conversations ever was made even more disturbing due to the rhyming.

"Will you sleep with skanky hoes? Would you suck your best friend Joe? Do you like lean fags and geeks? Do you like them, spill it creep!"

"I will not sleep with skanky hoes. I will not suck my best friend Joe. I do not like lean fags and geeks. I do not like YOU, you're a creep!"

Daniel moaned and held his head. He suddenly had a headache that pounded on the back of his eyes. What the fuck was going on? THAT was just scary...Marines...rhyming! He had to find someone to help him out in figuring what was going on once they got Jack to the infirmary.

Finally they arrived and Janet whisked Jack away to perform tests and more tests. While he was waiting Carter walked up the hall dressed as a mime and carrying an invisible box. She stopped in front of Daniel, stooped down and made a frown in sympathy at him. She traced an invisible tear down his cheek with her finger and then stood abruptly. Her mannerisms scared Daniel. He's never liked clowns or mimes, they were just too creepy. Carter made a sign like she had thought of something, then put her hands in front of her mouth and puffed her cheeks like she was blowing up a balloon. After the imaginary balloon animal had been made she gleefully mock-kissed him on both cheeks, patted him on the head, retrieved her imaginary box that was somewhat larger now for some reason, and left.

After about an hour of waiting, and trying not to cry about being stuck with a Carter-mime for an hour, Jack came back out and immediately rushed Daniel. Clinging to his arm, Jack whimpered and asked Daniel to keep him safe from the bad woman with the handcuffs.

"Handcuffs? You're okay Jack, I promise. Whatever it is we'll get through it."

Jack looked up at Daniel with dark puppy dog eyes and whimpered a little more.

"Janet? What's going on? The whole SGC seems to be going crazy...and Jack...he looks like he's having a breakdown."

Janet swaggered over to Daniel, swaying her hips a little more than usual, he thought.

"Well Daniel...the colonel is suffering from libidinitous."

"Libidin--what?"

"Libidinitous." She said matter-of-factly. "It's an acute condition caused by the lack of or overabundance then subsequent withholding of sex."

"So what your saying is..."

"He needs to be laid as soon, and as often as possible for the next several hours. And you, Dr. Jackson, are in trouble...you haven't been sleeping with him every night have you?"

Daniel eyes opened wide. How did she possibly know? And why the hell would she say something like that here anyway...there were other people around!

"Ummm...no, but Janet..."

"Ah! No excuses...it's your job to see that the colonel is healthy. Look what you've done to him! It's bad enough I had to personally see to his first two doses of treatment because you didn't see it in the goodness of your heart to take care of your colonel. You know how he gets...I had to restrain him both times before I could finish."

"You restrained him! And...and...!"

Meanwhile Jack was doing his best to cover Daniel's neck in hickeys and his hand was dangerously close to Daniel's groin. "Uh Jack, I think we should go somewhere else..."

"I'll have none of that Daniel! You must proceed immediately. It can't wait until you get home. Plus I need to watch the first couple of times to ensure you're doing it correctly."

Daniel sputtered. "To make sure...Janet I'm not an inexperienced teenager just fumbling around!" He couldn't even believe he was saying this. It was all just too bizarre. He refused to discuss his technique with her!

He and Janet continued to argue while Jack slowly lead Daniel back to one of the curtained off infirmary beds. Daniel only stopped bickering with Janet to gasp when it felt as if Jack was trying to suck his brains out through his dick.

Janet stood on the sidelines barking out orders to both of them like a referee, making them go through positions like plays in football. Both of them were exhausted and panting when...

Suddenly, General Hammond burst into the infirmary and exclaimed. "The Goldfish are coming the Goldfish are coming! Dr. Jackson! It's a foothold situation. Your Goldfish are trying to take over the base!" It didn't escape Daniel's attention that the General was wearing a bright red facsimile of a British army coat. Why he wasn't sure...it wasn't even the right size.

Daniel pulled back the curtain just a little bit, seeing as they were both naked, and Janet looked a little disheveled, while slumped over that chair in the corner.

"My...Goldfish?"

"Yes, yes, the spirits of all you're dead goldfish are trying to take over the base. Did you give them any of the iris codes?"

"Iris codes? Why would I tell my goldfish the iris codes?"

"I don't have time for this Dr. Jackson! Did you?"

"No! Of course not!"

"Good. When you and Colonel O'Neill are finished come up to the control room. Bring a bucket, a mop, a zucchini, coconut scented sex wax...you know the kind the surfers use to wax their boards, and a bucket of chlorine."

Daniel pulled himself from the colonel, literally as well as figuratively and got dressed. All the while shaking his head. Slowly he made his way up to the control room with the requested items...strangely enough ALL found in the storeroom on level 13. He looked down into the gate room and saw about 10 SF's with P-90's trained on the gate...all of them wearing pink ballerina outfits, toe shoes, tutu's, tights, the whole deal. He watched in horror/amazement as all of them, at the barked orders of the General, raised to their toes and did a pirouette while balancing the weapons perfectly.

Slowly the Goldfish wavered in through the wall like huge golden specters.

"Dr. Jackson!" The General yelled. "Go alert the President...the Goldfish are coming!"

Daniel repeated over and over under his breath...the Goldfish are coming...the Goldfish are coming... the Goldfish are coming..." but he couldn't move. He was mesmerized by the synchronized movements and grace of the pink tights-clad SF's in the gate room.

Jack appeared at his side and began shaking him. "Danny...Danny...Danny wake up...Your dreaming..."

"The Goldfish are coming." He mumbled, then again with more force as he woke fully. "THE GOLDFISH ARE COMING!"

Daniel rolled over in bed to look at Jack, who was now laughing uncontrollably into his pillow.

Once Jack regained his composure he looked at his lover with a grin. "Nightmare?"

Daniel groaned and stuffed his face into his own pillow. "Never again." He mumbled.

Jack sidled up to Daniel so he could hear a little better. Rubbing his hand across Daniels back he chuckled a bit. "What did you say?"

"I said, never again."

Jack grinned. "I'm afraid you can't help yourself. But, if I can help it I'll remind you of this the next time you want to eat half a pizza and 5 chocolate chip cookies right before bed!"

"Jaa-aaack. It wasn't half a pizza!"

"Damn near! I don't know where you put it all. I sure can't keep up with ya!"

He paused for a moment and softened a little.

"Wanna tell me about this one?"

Daniel groaned. "Just go to bed, you don't want to know...it was frightening. Marines were rhyming."

"Oh. Geez. You're right. I don't wanna know." Jack snuggled up to Daniel in the dark and put his chin on top of the other mans head. "Goodnight Daniel."

"Goodnight Jack."

Never again, Daniel swore...Never. Again.


End file.
